Someone told me once I’m a serial entrepreneur. While I think it was supposed to be a compliment it made me cringe. To me that says I start a lot of things, I can’t finish things, I can’t figure out my life. That comment has stuck with me. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to explain my steps in life. I felt ashamed.
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But sharing life publicly is sharing all of life’s edits. As much as I want to show up and have it all together, with everything perfectly curated, it’s not going to happen. You’re going to see a lot of red pen markings on my life. Scratch that, add this, move that, keep this, expound on that. I’m just thankful for a whole lot of grace that comes with it.

I’ve shared this photo before but this is my current mood. Putting myself out there, sharing about life and my writing, makes me want to blur into the background. I feel called, assigned, whatever word you want to use to put my words out there. Have them land where they may. But I never want those words to bring me glory. Never. It’s a tricky tension to navigate. One I hope I steward well.

My entire productivity of a day seems to hinge on the mornings. All of my energy, ideas, and creativity is at its peak in the mornings. Which is great, until its not. I’m dead to the world after 11am. Mornings are a sacred time for me. How do I fit all that needs to get done in such a short window of time? What do I do when something (like a sick kid) throws off that balance? I’m learning to be disciplined as best I can in the mornings so I can be flexible the rest of the day.
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What is your best time of the day? How do you get the most out of that time?

“A shi*% first draft, while not a thing of beauty, is a miracle of victory over nothingness, inertia, bad self-esteem. Secret? Butt in chair”. -Ann Lamott
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I’ve kept my butt in my chair the last few weeks getting this book done. It feels beyond good to get all of my words printed on paper and into my hands. The digital version can only take me so far. The written version brings it to reality. Makes it tangible. Maybe even allows me to finally call myself a writer.
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These multiple drafts of words that have taken on different shapes over the last three years are finally formed. They have finally found a home and it is a miracle.

I am learning not to set a word for myself for the year, but rather I need to ask God what word He would have for me. Renovation is the word that keeps echoing through my mind this month. And not just because we are tearing up the floors in our home.

Wikipedia tells me Renovation is the process of improving a broken, damaged, or outdated structure. Renovation can refer to making something new, or bringing something back to life.

Each year I try to be a better person, taking on a new word. But it has only added. It’s like buying new clothes and never donating the old. I just keep accumulating. And it’s only adding to the noise of who I am. Instead I’m tearing away the old. Ripping up what needs to go away. I’m learning how to put on my work boots, stand on the bare floors and work towards renovation.

I’m not going to pretend to know what that looks like for 2019 or even for tomorrow. But I am leaning into it. I’m learning to take life day by day. One step of obedience at a time. It can’t be  pushing through today with my own agenda. But rather, stopping and paying attention to His.

(I repost this article each year. I wrote it on 12/15/14)

As a photographer my personal goal with each person or family I photograph is to capture genuine emotion and real moments. 98 percent of the time the kids cooperate and the families really want a picture of the entire family looking at the camera and smiling. All smiling. All looking at the camera. The more people involved the more difficult my job. Every once in a while I’ll have a defiant toddler who wants nothing to do with the camera. This is my greatest challenge yet greatest joy in photography. I love handing over the final images and hearing parents say “How did you capture my son smiling and laughing? I don’t remember him smiling once!”

Here is the flip side though. I don’t have one of those nice family photos of my own family. The last time that happened in a professional setting was over 4 years ago! We have a few good family pictures here and there, but especially this last year I couldn’t find one, not one! (except for the picture above which I’ll describe at the end). I feel like a professional organizer whose home is a complete disaster or a landscaper whose own yard is in terrible shape.

As I gathered my two children to take some decent pictures for a Christmas card my son grew irritated with the outfit I chose for him. As he was throwing a small fit I knew I couldn’t ask him to fake it. He saw my frustration and gave in. It wasn’t five minutes in before the kids were fighting. I kept trying for the moments I find in strangers toddlers, capturing joy in the midst of stress, but it wasn’t happening.

After culling the images and seeing there were none I could use, I began digging through the archive of photos from the year. Knowing there wasn’t an even barely decent family photo to use I resorted to the idea of a collage of pictures.

I had to step away from the project for few days. I was saddened by the lack of photos good enough to send out to 75+ friends and family. My few days away only deepened my awareness to what I was really feeling or not feeling for that matter. Friends and family’s Christmas cards began pouring in. Each one had families gathered together and all smiling at the camera. They look so joyful. So together.

I do not feel joyful or together. This is what I didn’t want my kids to fake. I don’t know if they feel joyful either these days. We are in a serious funk around here. Fighting is at an all time high and my patience has beyond run thin.

I went back to the computer determined to find a card that fit us well. I went as far as putting speech bubbles above our heads conveying funny statements with me at the end, my speech bubble saying, “Help!” It’s what I felt and I wanted to convey honesty with humor. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I just looked pathetic and not comedic.

The collage postcard I decided on, only for the number of photos it allowed, said “Joy” smack dab in the middle of the card. My stomach churned seeing the word Joy. It felt fake, forced and cheesy. I didn’t want to send something I am not feeling these days. But as I looked at the pictures surrounding the word, we were all smiling. Genuinely smiling. I’ll admit, even if the picture I used for myself was from two years ago.

So I chose the card and then it hit me. I have to choose joy. Every day, in every moment, just like the card, when I’m not feeling it I have to choose it. I have to channel my inner photographer and capture the joy in the midst of stress.

Then I look at our board full of Christmas card pictures and can’t help but smile because I don’t see just smiling faces looking at the camera, I see a family whose son defeated cancer at three years old. Joy. I see a family who tried so hard for so long to get pregnant and they’re finally holding their child. Joy. I see a family whose adoptions are finalized. Joy. I see a husband who is reunited with his kids after deployment. I see joy. I see the work of the Lord.

As you look at the families on your walls this Christmas look for the reasons they are smiling. And thank God for those reasons. If you know they are struggling, pray that joy would enter their hearts and the Lord would wrap His loving arms around them and be their strength.

“The joy of God is your strength” Nehemiah 8:10

Today I choose joy. Today I choose to find those moments of laughter that may get easily overlooked. Today I choose to ask the Lord to be my strength because He is my Joy.

*While writing this article late last night little did I know my son was upstairs in his room drawing me a picture. It is not uncommon for him to leave me notes or pictures for when I check on him. But the picture he left me last night blew me away. He left me the picture you see at the top of this article. My six-year-old drew a picture of our entire family being photographed. We are all together, smiling and looking at the camera. Only God. That is the only way I can explain the “coincidence” of the timing of this picture.

 

                It’s been on my heart to share more about motherhood. Not because I have great things to say or have it all figured it out. But because it is my life. The things I usually write about here are only a small part of my life as a whole. It took me about ten years to accept parenting. I love my kids, but I think there was always an underlying voice of shame when it came to talking about being a mom.  I felt ashamed that I was just a mom. I spoke more of photography or owning a store or writing. My hobbies and jobs lent itself to better conversations with people. They became reasons to not do laundry or clean or sign my kid up for another event or sport. I believe we don’t have to choose between mothering or other things, I am learning there is a way to do both and to do both well. I never tried to do parenting really well. There has always been the underlying voice that I wouldn’t do it well anyway, so why try. If I showed off the other things I did well, no one would see my bad parenting.

              My book coming out next year centers around the theme of pruning. The shame of parenting is a branch in my life that has produced bad fruit. It is a branch the Lord has been asking me to prune for sometime. I have noticed that since shedding the shame a new joy and desire to parent has entered my heart. Acceptance. Parenting has not all of the sudden gotten easier. In some ways this new season is more challenging. And maybe that is why the call from the Lord is strong. He knows what is ahead and my kids are going to need all of me, not just some of me.

             It saddens me to think of all that was lost these last ten years. I breaks my heart to think of all that could have been. But I have prayed over Joel 2:25 again and again. Asking the Lord to redeem was has been lost these last 10 years. I trust that He will do that only the way that He can. I trust that new and healthy fruit will grow in our family.

 

FEEL

While I want to talk about wood fires, blankets, sofas, and all of the yummy textures you can bring into your home to make it feel nice. I want to go in the direction of actual feelings. When people walk into our home I want them to immediately feel welcomed and anticipated. Even if I didn’t know they were coming over, I want them to feel like its ok just to stop by. I want people to feel like they are in their own home. Sometimes to a fault. Even though we tell people to make themselves at home, some people don’t know how to or aren’t comfortable enough yet to do so. Or people are here so often I forget to check in and make sure they have something to drink or if there is anything I can get for them. I want people to feel loved on, yet comfortable.  So here are some questions for you think about.(with suggested answers, but fill in your own). What steps can you take start making your home a place that you love and want people to be a part of as well.

When people walk into my home I want them to feel__________?

• Comfortable
• At ease
• Welcomed
• Inspired
• Peaceful
• Loved

When people leave my home I want them to say_____________?

• That was such good food
• I felt heard
• I want to have them over to our house
• I love the style of their home

What is the posture of my heart right now towards having people over?

• Not in a million years, it scares me to death.
• What will they think of how I live?
• I want to, but I need to get to a better place of feeling comfortable.
• Heck yes! The more the merrier.
• I’d love to have at least one person over for coffee this week.

What steps can I take to better be ready (in heart and home) to have people over?

• Hire a housecleaner
• Set the table
• Put the invitation out there
• Practice a recipe you want to serve
• Pray about the condition of your heart

I hope you have enjoyed this 5 part series on Loving Your Home Through the 5 Senses. You can start here and follow the links on the bottom left of each post.

Like I said in the Sight post; things, pillows, candles, furniture rearranging, cooking, those things in and of themselves will not bring us joy. They will only bring us temporary happiness. If there is any take away from the these 5 posts it would be that it comes down to our hearts. If our hearts are softened towards inviting people in, then the rest will fall into place. We will begin to see our homes in new ways and our attitudes towards opening our home will begin to shift.