Eight years ago I read that Bob Goff quits something every Thursday. It was the permission I didn’t know I needed to let go of some things.
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I was a young mom surrounded my just older moms who seemed to be doing it all and thriving. I was barely keeping my head above water. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong.
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The suggestion to quit something lifted the burden of trying to do it all and be it all. God would continue to whisper to me over the years to keep letting go.

The less I keep trying to keep up. The less I try to build. The fuller my life has become.
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Instead of keeping up with the Jones’ I am learning how to live life with intention. Whether it’s quitting to purposefully adding something in.
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Each Thursday (starting next week) I want to encourage you to take ten minutes to be inTENtional (see what I did there?! ☺️). Anything from taking a walk to sending flowers to a friend. Beauty is found when we shift our focus away from mindlessly following to intentionally living.

The apron is my cape. When I tie the strings around my waist it empowers me to get done what needs to get done. It tells me it is time for work. It is not time to be afraid of getting my hands or clothes dirty. Dig in. The apron allows me to push through the mess. It keeps me from being lazy. Each one holds a different recipe, childs tears, or maybe even my own. It comforts, it cleans, it creates, it protects. It holds a sacredness that I respect. To some it may be held in a negative light. They might say it is a symbol of a cooped up housewife, waiting hand and foot on her family. I see it as a symbol of honor. I get to love my family with dinner and dessert. I get to create an environment they want to come home to. The strings are not tying my hands, but rather giving me freedom to create.

I am not one to make New Years Resolutions anymore. I did and I usually failed pretty quickly. If I’m not already working out why would I think I am going to all of the sudden find the motivation and energy to do so? If I want something bad enough, I’ll do it. I’m not going to wait for a new year to motivate me.

All that to say, this year I want to read more books. Ideally, one a week. Crazy, I know. I want to read through the stack of books I already own. Finish the books I haven’t yet. And there are plenty of those. This isn’t because it’s a new year, its piggy backing off of late fall. I was motoring through books. The more I finished, the more I wanted to read. I was reading about one a week and want to continue that through the new year. At some point I’ll review the ones I read in the fall.

The first book of 2020?

Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World by Kristen Welch

I’ve started this one and put it down. Started it again and put it down again. I couldn’t really tell you why. I’m sure it had something to do with knowing I would have to make some changes around our house. You know those books that you pick up because you want change but put it down because you don’t actually want to make the changes? That seems to be the theme of a lot of the books I’ve chosen to read this year.

Maybe it was the antsiness of winter settling in. Or the excitment for all things Christmas. It seemed my kids were developing new attitudes and becoming more brave with their words. Let’s be honest, its probably the fact that they are preteens feeding off of one another. Regardless, I was sensing a need for change. A need to tighten things up around here. I thought this book might give me a few pointers.

While there was nothing groundbreaking, this book was a good reminder to have boundaries. It reminded me that it is good to say “No.” My kids can be dissapointed. Our family chooses to live against the current of society and it is going to be challenging at times for all of us, but it will be worth it.

I appreciated at the end of each chapter that Welch offers “practical, age-appropriate suggestions for grateful, countercultural living for you and your kids.”

Favorite quotes:

“Obedience is not a suggestion; it’s a requirement with a consequence. It’s hard but it’s necessary. We discipline because we love.”

“I refuse to rob my kids of the privilege of hard work [and its monetary rewards] because that’s when the joy of giving is revealed.”

“Sometimes the best way to help our kids is to not help them. They often become resourceful and responsible when we simply let them.”

“Society has shifted truth by bombarding us with an idea until it’s normalized.”

It’s ok if you don’t know who you are. Or maybe you do. Maybe that is why Enneagram is having a moment right now. We desperately want to know who we are while we also love to talk about ourselves. I always thought if I just knew who I was then I could go and be something great. If I just knew who I was then people would like me. If I knew who I was then I would be successful. It seemed like something I needed to accomplish. As if it were part of a checklist. But at some point along the way I stopped caring. I stopped caring if I succeeded or not, I just wanted to try. For me, to not try was even more of a failure. And in the world of social media, a lot of you have seen me fall flat on my face. Yes, its very embarassing and I want to crawl in a hole and hide. But I don’t regret any of it. In some ways all of those failures, all of those new adventures, all of those starts that never finished, they seem to be weaving their way back into my life. They seem to actually be serving a purpose. One supporting the other. I don’t want to fail, but I don’t mind if I do because I learn so much. I learn more than if I just sat on the sidelines and watched someone else try. I am putting forth the effort because we are called to. And I am trying to do it on purpose. I am trying because there is one constant that holds it all together. I do know that I am a loved daughter of God. He’s got me when I fail. He’s got me when I succeed. He is who I am. He is my purpose. And in the midst of my failures, my successes, my sins, and my gifts I am being shaped into who I am supposed to be.

Type: Did you know for a few weeks I was studying to be an enneagram coach? It was a panic decision and once I dove deep into studying I realized it was not the direction I needed to be going. 

I love the enneagram. I rarely mention it here because, eye roll, we’re all talking about it. But knowing my type and my family and friends has been beyond beneficial to our relationships. It has given my husband and I a language that we hadn’t been able to find the words for. It has allowed me to better understand myself.

But it is a tool that has to be used carefully. I watch people use it to pigeonhole others and justify their own behaviors. 

I’ve done it myself. 

The joke is that 9’s are lazy. We like naps and can’t make a decision to save our lives. I wrestled with that and then rested in it. I thought my days of sluggishness were just who I was. I didn’t feel lazy, but it was hard to accomplish anything. I shrugged my shoulders and guessed this was just part of being a 9. Until it got to the point where I would need to sit down between tasks. Doing the dishes took it out of me. Vacuuming would send me to the couch. I found myself sitting down between chores just to get a break. It felt as though there were concrete bricks on my feet. 

Then I got to the point where I remember asking my nine-year-old daughter while we were out once if she knew what to do if I passed out. I could barely stand without feeling as though the world would go black. 

This was not because of my type. Something was not right. I needed to see a doctor. I did. I learned this is part of what Hashimotos combined with Celiac disease looks like. 

I pigeonholed myself to the point of unhealthiness. I rested on my type. I claimed something that was not true.

God did not create us in nine boxes. He is bigger than that. Do I resonate with 9’s? You bet! Has it been a great tool? Definitely! Has it opened my eyes to how I see God and why I pray the way I do? In ways I am beyond thankful for!  It has also shown me how I am NOT wired. This is where it can get really beautiful. This is where we can lean deep into God and ask Him to move through us because we don’t have it in us. All there is room for is God. Even though I’m not a justice seeking 8 scripture still calls me to act justly (Micah 6:8). Even though I’m not a fun loving 7 scriptures tells me that Jesus came for us to live life and live it to the fullest (John 10:10) Even though I am not a big hearted 2 I still need to serve (Ephesians 6:7). I could go on and on. My enneagram number is merely a jumping off point for the real numbers. The numbers of scripture. That is the type of person I need to be. One who leans on God in my weaknesses. One who digs into scripture to find how to live. One who tears down the walls of the box I’ve put myself (and God into). 

Start. Where does one start after their world has been turned upside down? Ok, that sounded dramatic, I don’t mean to be. But in some ways my world has been radically changed. I was recently disgnosed with an Autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s and I am in the process of being tested for Celiac Disease. While I am so thankful there is a name to how unwell I have been feeling, it comes with a change in lifestyle. It comes with the words “there is not cure” or “you’ll have this the rest of your life.” I fluctuate between relief, fear, motivation, overwhelm, gratefulness, grief, frustration, clarity and confusion.

All I’ve really known for the last 14 years is living in some state of unhealth. Starting with bouts of depression due to birth control, to the overwhelm and healing from childbirth and child raising, to the days of feeling like there were concrete blocks on my feet, unable to get anything done, to the nights curled up in pain, to the extreme frustration and embarassment of losing my words and not being able to form or finish thoughts. I would wake up and think “What is it going to be today? Nausea? Dizziness? Inflammation? Bloating to the point of looking 4 months pregnant? Headaches?” I was surprised when a day would go by with no symptoms and the energy to get things done.

So where do I go from here? How do I start this new lifestyle? In some ways Hashimotos is a gift. An answer to prayer really. So today I’ll start with gratitude. I am thankful for health care. I am thankful for a doctor the Lord knew I needed. I am thankful for answers. I am thankful for a good support system. I’ll start here. I’ll with what I know and give myself grace along the way.