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It’s been on my heart to share more about motherhood. Not because I have great things to say or have it all figured it out. But because it is my life. The things I usually write about here are only a small part of my life as a whole. It took me about ten years to accept parenting. I love my kids, but I think there was always an underlying voice of shame when it came to talking about being a mom. I felt ashamed that I was just a mom. I spoke more of photography or owning a store or writing. My hobbies and jobs lent itself to better conversations with people. They became reasons to not do laundry or clean or sign my kid up for another event or sport. I believe we don’t have to choose between mothering or other things, I am learning there is a way to do both and to do both well. I never tried to do parenting really well. There has always been the underlying voice that I wouldn’t do it well anyway, so why try. If I showed off the other things I did well, no one would see my bad parenting.
My book coming out next year centers around the theme of pruning. The shame of parenting is a branch in my life that has produced bad fruit. It is a branch the Lord has been asking me to prune for sometime. I have noticed that since shedding the shame a new joy and desire to parent has entered my heart. Acceptance. Parenting has not all of the sudden gotten easier. In some ways this new season is more challenging. And maybe that is why the call from the Lord is strong. He knows what is ahead and my kids are going to need all of me, not just some of me.
It saddens me to think of all that was lost these last ten years. I breaks my heart to think of all that could have been. But I have prayed over Joel 2:25 again and again. Asking the Lord to redeem was has been lost these last 10 years. I trust that He will do that only the way that He can. I trust that new and healthy fruit will grow in our family.
